MOVIE REVIEWS
I really liked this. The story is about Knox (Keaton), a hitman, who has dementia and is closing out his career and basically his life. His estranged son (Marsden) runs into some serious trouble. Basically some Aryan brotherhood scumbag knocked up Marsden's underage daughter and he does what any father would like to do in that situation. So it's up to Knox to fix his son's problem. At the same time he is tying up all loose ends in his life with the help of Al Pacino. There's a tension that runs through the film, and the way the plot unfolds is very entertaining. You're never truly sure if Knox is losing his mind or doing things with purpose. Michael Keaton did a great job directing this almost noir flick. The somber jazz music score also really adds to the feeling of tension and uneasiness throughout the film. Overall definitely worth watching.
Before the iPhone everyone was looking at their BlackBerry... Except for me because at the time I was a bit of a luddite and no one was emailing me and the people I hung out with didn't have one so BBM was not a selling point. Anyhow, this Canadian flick depicts the rise and fall of the BlackBerry. Dennis from It's Always Sunny plays Jim Balsillie who was a CEO at BlackBerry, and Jay Baruchel plays Mike, the guy who invented it. It's pretty interesting to see this nerd transform into a businessman and then lose it all to the iPhone. The tension of what is business and competition in Tech was accurately (I'm guessing) conveyed. It's kinda dry, and there's some funny bits. The acting is good because you forget you're watching these guys. Dennis becomes Jim, so kudos. The Jim character is also amusing because he's yelling and flipping out a bunch. I find that funny. Overall, a pretty decent movie.
Fair Play
Director: Chloe Domont
Actors: Phoebe Dynevor, Alden Ehrenreich (I had to look these up)
WatchThis movie had a lot of weird sex dynamics. Basically it's about this couple that works at some Wall Street hedge fund or something, so you know they have scruples... Anyhow, starts off with a weird sex scene and an even weirder marriage proposal in a bathroom. She gets promoted and winds up being her fiance's boss. He doesn't like it and gets fucking psycho. She begins to not like that. Culminates with a violent situation at their engagement party, a rape scene - yeah, that wasn't great, and ultimate vindication on her end. Boss lady after all. This is not a great movie, and unfortunately when I realized this I was already committed. I'm writing this review less than two hours after I saw it because it was so unmemorable that I would've forgotten to review it by tomorrow. I give it a 4 out of 10, won't revisit it.
Creepy smiles like this are extremely unpleasant. Kevin Bacon's daughter plays a shrink who winds up unwittingly being part of some curse from a smiley demon who possesses people and then gets them to kill themselves. It's actually pretty messed up some of the stuff that happens in this movie. Some of the scenes I could've done without. Rotten Tomatoes gave it the 79%, which I think is pretty high. I dunno, watch it, or don't. I just think it's weird to be watching the kids of actors I watched growing up starring in movies. Though, as far as this one goes, well, it's horror, and entertaining. Wouldn't recommend watching with your kids if they're not in their teens.
Hellraiser (2022)
Director: David Bruckner
Actors: Jaime Clayton, Odessa A'zion, Adam Faison - I had to look them all up
WatchOkay… the original and Hellraiser 2 were excellent horror films. Clive Barker is a master. He executive produced this reboot, and so I thought, why not, it's that spooky time of year after all. All the familiar pieces were there: the box, Pinhead, the Chatterer, and some new Cenobites. They could’ve done a reboot like they did with Evil Dead which was true to the original and a remake of the original story, but they didn't. They turned Pinhead into a female and called her “the Priest”. That's totally fine, this version of Pinhead was definitely creepy. The leather outfits are gone in lieu of various artistic skin peeling/skinning… gross, but again, fine. The chains still exist, but they don't come out of the box, which now for some reason stabs you if you figure it out. There’s some nods to the original with the spinning tower of pain, but no face nailed to it. The evil guy who is trying to escape the Cenobites would’ve been a far better character if they had just kept the story line being the girl’s uncle “Frank” who is having an affair with her stepmother who then lures men to the house for him to kill so he can restore his human body and escape the Cenobites. Instead this guy is a rich guy who threw parties to sacrifice sex workers to the Cenobites and he winds up with what looks like some sort of camshaft or golden children’s piano shoved through his chest… The Cenobites also wind up not being able to figure out metal cages or doors, which makes them far easier to get away from. This is a mediocre reboot at best. I like the franchise, but I’d really love for something new to be made, not just a reimagining of all the stuff from when I was a kid.
Fright Night (2011)
Director: Craig Gillespie
Actors: Colin Farrell, Anton Yelchin (RIP), Imogen Poots, McLovin
WatchThis remake of the 1985 classic is not a classic. It's not even marginally good. On Amazon Prime it's labeled as Comedy, Horror, Fun, Terrifying... What? The entire thing is a contradiction of itself. It's not good at all. It even has David Tennant who was in Harry Potter and Broadchurch as some Criss Angel type character. The thing is set in Vegas, because of course. It is gory, which it should be. The vampires aren't all Twilight, which is good. McLovin gets his arm chopped off and almost beheaded by an axe, which is a plus. But even with the "good" cast, this fails to live up to its namesake. I mean, come on, stop remaking things that were good to begin with. Fuck your nostalgic money grab, watch the original. I liked Anton Yelchin better as Chekov or Odd Thomas. I'm also immature because I giggled when I found out the actress's last name is "Poots".
This is everything a vampire hunter movie should be. One liners, gore, lots of fight scenes, some stuff that pushes it a little over the line. Everyone plays their roles perfectly. Also, Snoop Dogg is in it, and wears a cowboy hat as a vampire hunter in LA - that alone warrants watching this. The soundtrack is good. Overall, a pretty entertaining flick. It's not going to win any awards, it's not a great movie, it's pretty damn stupid, but it's fun. If you're a fan of the genre, you'll enjoy this. Good production value too.
Well I can't unsee this, but I'm here to tell you, you don't have to watch this. Sure the poster art makes it look exciting. I can assure you, it's not. The latest Spiderman actor does some spiderman-y like jumps and stuff. Marky Mark is supposedly a master con artist/jewel thief. There's some girl who also do crime good. Does that grammar sound stupid? Of course it does. You know what else is stupid? This fucking movie. Think of something positive to say... They have special effects. Okay, good enough. The screenplay was arguably worse than some of the B horror movies we've reviewed. Dan informed me that this is a movie based on a video game and that made it all make sense. Frankly, Angry Birds would've been preferable to this turd. The actors and crew just made this crap because it's an excuse for them to shoot in Barcelona or some exotic foreign location. There's absolutely no way any of these people read this script and were like "this is a winner." No, the reality was much closer to "all expenses paid trip to exotic locations, sign me up." I really have to start doing a quick search on these movies before I commit a couple hours to watching them.
Today while accidentally opening social media (I like to see the ads and what anti aging, turn back the clock on life, fountain of eternal youth type stuff is available to me) I saw a picture of the new Amazon Lord of the Rings prequel based on Sauron's history and Tolkein's lore. The caption below said it had no plot, so I guess there ya go. Also, the picture had a woman in armor which has a real lord of the rings kinda vibe to it and also should be well met by fans of game of thrones who as well are fans of armor.
We used to not review TV shows because series long arcs didn't really begin until later. We were also printing our issues, so space was a concern. Here I face the opposite problem.
Episode 1 review: Lots of dragons, everyone's blonde. Armor is shinier than in GoT, Dr. Who storms around the place looking not very Doctorly and gets scolded by his older brother, The King, for lopping off some guys junk and chopping people to bits (they were all guilty of heinous crimes, this isn't like "pooh: blood and honey" or anything.)
Will watch more if I feel like it, or not. We'll see once this hideous heat wave passes.
Winnie the Pooh: Blood and Honey Trailer
Director: Rhys Waterfield
Actors: Some guys in crappy masks and english people
WatchThis movie looks incredible! /s
So apparently Disney let their copyright on Winnie the Pooh lapse, a story conceived by 1920s writer A. A. Milne as a loving homage to his son, Christopher, and his collection of toys which he would innocently play with as a child. The characters went through Disney's pipelines, resulting in some of the company's best content to date.
Now that Pooh, Piglet, and Eeyore have spilled out of that pipeline into the public domain (but apparently not Tigger), the first play has been to transform the beloved characters into murderous psychopaths. The filmmaker lays out the premise that Christopher Robin has abandoned Pooh and Piglet for university. Deprived of food and comfort, the pair most likely eat Eeyore as they revert to their feral roots which involves hunting prey for meals. And as we all know, hungry animals in the animal kingdom employ creative and sadistic methods of murder such as chloroforming a victim and then driving a car over their head -- Just admit they're now sick fucks and deranged. Just admit to being fucked up. It's okay that you're fucked up, most people are assholes these days so you've got plenty of camo as you prepare to leave a steaming hot one on our childhoods.
This was unwatchable. Super stylized, flashy, and had a completely disjuncted plot line. I learned very little about Elvis's life, and didn't hear a ton of Elvis tunes, which if we're being honest, is probably for the best because that derivative drivel was not good then, and isn't good now. The film also tried to make it like he was a great friend to Black artists like BB King, Little Richard, Fats Domino, and Mahalia Jackson. Who knows if that's true, but I doubt that was the case, and personally, I'd rather listen to those artists than Elvis.
Then there's the attempt to modernize Elvis's music through adding some sort of hip hop beat behind it, or just straight up not playing his music and opting for something like Doja Cat... I fail to see the connection to Elvis's or how that sound is appropriate for what is essentially a period piece. Tom Hanks portraying Colonel Parker was okay, and the story being told through his eyes was a marginally interesting approach to telling this story, but it just falls flat and seems to be at odds with the feeling of the film which is trying so damn hard to be hip. The portrayal of Vegas in the 70s was more interesting to me that the actual movie itself.
I could go further into why this is dumb and annoying, but I'll spare you. I am glad I didn't spend any money on seeing this stinker in the theater because I'd be fairly upset, probably complaining about how bad it was to the high school kid working at the theater who is just trying to make some pocket money and doesn't give a shit about Baz Luhrman, Elvis, Tom Hanks, or me and my stupid opinions. And for the record, I don't give a shit about Baz Luhrman or Elvis. I knew this was going to suck and I watched it anyway, so the joke's on me. This movie was trash, but in all fairness, so was Elvis.
Okay, so I'm a little late to the party reviewing this one, but as I haven't seen the 2022 sequel yet, I figured we should rewatch this classic and give a unique take on it. Lucky for me, my wife had NEVER seen this before, so I decided that it was a must watch for her and it would be good to revisit this masterpiece of 80s cold war pop culture through her eyes.
The first thing she noticed was the obvious homoerotic undertones that was thoroughly examined by Quentin Tarantino. So I won't go far into that very, very well documented analysis of the film. She was shocked at the amount of references to "butts" and phallus throughout. The "Playing with the Boys" volleyball scene she found particularly laughable, and she also was mortified for Kelly McGillis with the "You've Lost That Loving Feeling Scene", which was shortly followed by what would be considered by many today to be a sexual harassment scene, whereby Maverick follows Charlie (McGillis) into the ladies room and suggests coitus on the counter. Also she called Maverick a weirdo for wanting to shower at Charlie's house on their first date, did not appreciate the silhouette of Maverick's tongue during the love scene, and commented that everyone in the movie was sweaty because evidently it was August in San Diego and everyone is wearing fur lined bomber jackets. No wonder they needed a shower. She lamented Goose's demise, rightfully so, that was sad. When they did eventually have a dog fight against the Russians (hello Cold War), she laughed at the fact they were celebrating "Yeah! We just killed those guys! We're the best!!!"
When it was all over she said "That wasn't that great. I don't see what the big deal is." Frankly, I agree with her. As far as entertainment, it does its job. Top Gun is a silly, broed out, relic of the 80s with not so subtle homoerotic undertones that is both absurd and delightful at the same time. It's also very possible to interpret this as recruitment tool for the Navy in the 80s.
The reviews for the latest installment of the Predator franchise are fantastic. Rotten Tomatoes gave this a 93%. This review is not a rave review, and I do not agree with Rotten Tomatoes’ assessment. It’s cool that the entire cast was Native American and that they made the main protagonist a teenage Comanche girl. Native American culture should be celebrated and be represented more on screen. This film smacks of pandering and feels like 20th Century Fox/Disney capitalizing on a property again by acting like “look how far we’ve come, look at how progressive we are.” I’m not buying it. It was gory, which is to be expected from a Predator film, even though the CGI was awful. We see the new, rubbery looking Predator, played by Dane DiLiegro, for the first time when he takes a bear blood shower, defeating the purpose of his cloak of invisibility… sorry, getting my franchises mixed up - his invisibility tech camo whatever. So this thing kills a frickin grizzly, and the teenage Comanche girl is like, “well, I just did battle with a mountain lion, let me up my game and kill a space alien hunter.” The plot is preposterous even for a Predator movie. Amber Midthunder does a good job with what she's given. But really? A teenage girl is supposed to defeat this thing with her wits and a bow and arrow? Then there are inconsistencies like time of day - Is it day? Is it night? Where did the light go in the foggy petrified forest that randomly appears to make things spooky? I don’t know enough about French trappers to really argue the historical accuracy of their presence on the great northern plains that this “film” is supposedly set in, but I will say it is amusing to watch the Predator slaughter them. When I finished watching this I kept trying to convince myself that it was good, but only because I really wanted to like it. The fact is, this is not a good movie, but was it really supposed to be? I mean, it’s a Predator movie, and in that, it does its job. It’s probably the 3rd best Predator movie. Nothing will ever top the original. But because idiots like me will waste the hours I get to myself watching this stuff while the wife and kids are asleep, the studios will continue to make these god awful appeals to my nostalgia.
If you didn't feel like reading that here's the tldr;
Tim: Predator does battle with Comanche teenage girl in this installment of a franchise that if it had a Native American name, it would be “beats dead horse”.
Dan: Prey defiles both Native Americans and space aliens with the worst appropriation we’ve seen since third wave ska. I haven’t really seen it, I was riffing off your review. I tried watching it in a group party and I fell asleep.
Next...
I had no idea that UFOs were really time machines. This also comes under the "see this" category.
Possibly one of the funniest movies I have ever seen. By all means, see this movie. If you don't you are really missing out.
It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World
Director: Stanley Kramer
Actors: Spencer Tracy, Sid Caesar, Mickey Rooney
WatchFor an old movie this is hilarious. Watch this and enjoy. It is funny, funny, funny!
See this movie. It is the truest form of punk rock. Flea is in it and he is a bad ass. Just go and watch this movie. It rocks.
Somebody should have slapped that little brat. She was on crack! The horse talked and the monkey made fun of people while Pippi threw plates at her friends singing that god awful song about Pippi Longstockings coming to your town.
Please, give me a break. Do we really need another pathetic movie about a stupid little Leprechaun? NO!
This was a strange twisted movie. It was good. I enjoyed it. It showed the true problems with stealing an armored car.
This too was a bad movie. But hey, what do you expect from Nicholas Cage? The only redeeming factor of this movie was Steve Buscemi. He was good. The rest just sucked.
Well, this movie was pathetic. At one point you can't even tell what the actors are saying. It was stupid and poorly done. Don't see this movie. You will regret it.
Nate says: Another fine feature film from some crack-addicted moron. This movie, as its title suggests, involves a brain. A very stupid, but quite large, brain. While watching this movie, I realized that I was getting dumber by the minute. I can't believe that these types of shit-tainted films are destroying the diminishing brain cells I still have left. The movie is about some psycho alien doctor that gets his head punched off at the end, who has a fat, piece o' shit, sidekick whose name no one knows, we call him "Grizzly Adams" and yes he does have a beard. Anyway, this kid tries to stop the doctor's evil plan of cultivating the brain to control the minds of the viewers of his crappy TV show, Independent Thinking.
Tim says: Mmm... cheesy. This movie shows the true struggles of a boy in a mental ward of a hospital and the extreme harshness of psychotherapy via psycho doctors, and a funny looking brain. This movie was low budget, and contained many flaws such as, lack of blood when decapitation occurs, you'd think more than a squirt wouldn't be that expensive but obviously the money was spent elsewhere i.e. buying various narcotics i.e. crack. Before ending this review, let me pose you this question, How does a brain walk, and survive with no body, and at that where the fuck did the stupid face come from? Sorry you pathetic filmmakers, brains don't have teeth. This movie has a warning at the end. No, it doesn't say you are now to be hospitalized, it says Do Not Attempt To Throw Sodium into A Toilet. Darn, I really wanted to try that!
Need we say anything more. 5th movie of something that wasn't good to begin with.
Tim: Hee-hee bad movie, bite me, it was funny, I like honey, with yo mama. This movie was terrible, but at the same time, amusing. I think they used every single doctor cliché in the world such as, when he says after stabbing another doctor in the back (literally) "I think you should have gotten a second opinion". Or the other part when he tosses a heart (real one) across the room and says "have a heart". Why didn't anyone just kick him in the balls and beat him senseless? He is one guy against an entire town, man, that town must have been a bunch of losers. Oh no, don't let Dr. Giggles near me, he's scary Mommy, help me. I love the slogan for the movie "The Doctor is out... Of his mind" Please, do we really need another movie for pre-med students on heart surgery? Nate: Larry Drake also known as Durrant in the movie Darkman, was quite funny playing Dr. Giggles. Funny to watch drunk as usual!
I'm Gonna Git You Sucka
Director: Keenan Ivory Wayans
Actors: Keenan Ivory Wayans, Issac Hayes, Jim Brown
WatchRad, just flat out rad. Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny, Funny. Help me I'm at a loss for words, Funny. I need to expand my vocabulary, yesterday I learned the word home, love, and jackhammer.
Now, I'm not going to outline the movie for you because you should actually see this one. Don't bother to rent any of the above movies. This movie was great. Comic, perverse, inappropriate, sometimes nasty, and it has a scene which involves a 12" kielbasa. Now that is the making of a good flick.
Ooo… bad movie. When do we ever take a bus to school when we live five minutes walking distance away. Don't you think that if you were a kid having nightmares in your new house and you found a rusty of glove that had knives at the end, you might give that stuff to some one who knows what the fuck to do. The party scene was fun, but again, unrealistic, what a surprise. I also liked the masochistic gym teacher who is beaten up by balls (soccer and basketballs that is you perverts) and then strung up in the showers by jump ropes and then Freddy slashes him up, but I have a theory that before slashing the teacher up he did some nasty stuff to him, if you catch my drift. Well I'm proud to say nothing was good in this movie. God that movie was awful, I bet they spent most of their budget on drugs too.
Nate: Although a popular, but short-lived fad eleven years ago, this movie will forever exist in the basement of hell. Trying to make a live-action version of gross, ugly little kids is a very bad idea. To combine that with crappy 80's typical movie overtones, one gets an even worse product. Although I can say this movies was one of the most pathetic movies ever made, I do say this: watch it, not because it's bad, but because it involves a product of our long remembered 80's youthful generation. This movie also has a very funny, yet pathetic song that the garbage pail kids sing that will make even the most dignified individual laugh. My favorite character had to be Ali-Gator, who had an alligator head for a head, funny indeed. I tried to organize a screening of this hilarious flick at my school, but the plan was shot down by my principal, sad indeed.
Pumpkinhead II - Blood Wings
Director: Jeff Burr
Actors: Ami Dolenz, Soleil Moon Frye, Roger Clinton Jr.
WatchAs if the first one wasn't bad enough. Well, at least the town is somewhat modern and not as hick-like as the original. Ami Dolenz, the gypsy from Miracle Beach (oh, daddy like), was in this movie representing NYC. She was more of a hick than the hicks in the hick town. They burn a old witch bitch alive and Pumkinhead's kid "Tommy" who is somewhat deformed, shows us the problems of a child who is an outcast, and who is also lynched and then resurrected to kill the lynchers and then some other people, namely the dorky kids who smoke pot. A very anti-drug movie, even though whoever wrote this was mentally deformed because of their parents experimentation with crack.
Pumpkinhead
Director: Stan Winston
Actors: Lance Henrikson
A fine feature film from supèrstar special effects wizard, (as if he doesn't have enough titles already) Stan "the man" Winston. This film stars Lance Henrikson of Aliens fame, and also on Millennium on the wonderfully programmed Fox Network which also gives us 90210. Back to the topic at hand, this movie sucked, like all the other movies we watch. Sometimes I wonder why someone doesn't put me out of my misery. I guess I hope to fall into a brain dead coma by watching crap like this. It's about a monster (as if this were a new concept) who is resurrected to kill killers (another original idea). Wow, my loins are tingling.
Dude, like stop being bad and like put away that gun, or I'll have to put you in like detention. Sasha Mitchel takes a break from beating his wife to bring us this astonishing movie about a troubled inner city school and their students, plus the teacher who blows them up. Mitchel says a lot of one liners like "Now class is dismissed" right before his victims are blown into pieces. I'll be sad to see Mitchell not win an Oscar, Golden Globe, or Emmy for his incredible performance. Probably topped Morgan Freeman's "Lean On Me"... but it don't think it surpassed the quality of Killer Klowns.
The makers of "Leprechaun 1, 2, &3" (Definitely Oscar-worthy movies) now bring you the terrifying "Rumplestlitskin". What can I say about this movie except for, IT SUCKED! Rent it if you intend to be drunk and watch movies. Has some funny one liners such as when he kills this guy and takes his cigar and goes "Just what I need, another Bad Habit". Rent it.
Another chapter to Hellraiser. Oh goody, blood, guts chains, and of course, that fucking box. I have a question, how the fuck do you fit all those fucking chains into that little tiny box. It was cool to see where Pinhead came from but I think once you've seen one of these movies, you've seen them all.
Also a marvelous movie. Shows the true problems with shooting heroin. Unfortunately it glorifies heroin at the beginning and then it gets a lot funnier and is very messed up. Overall worth the $3 it cost to rent.
A very weird movie but cool, definitely worth renting. It was very funny and amusing. A strange ending and hilarious characters.
This is a classic example of what actors like to call "type casting" Courtney Love play a heroin addicted wife of a rich guy, she eventually dies of an overdose. Hmm... She didn't have to do a lot of acting for that. Woody Harrelson however was great. Bravo. Worth about $6.50 not $8. Still very good.
The Empire Strikes Back: Special Edition
Director: Irvin Kerschner
Actors: Mark Hammill, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford
WatchAgain, not a bad turn out. I am getting irritated with those stupid Star Wars freaks that think that they are so much better than everyone else because they saw the movie before I was even born. I can't help when I was born, I just happen to like the movie alot. I am a Stars Wars freak simply because it is a great movie, however when someone says to one of my friends "You don't even deserve to be here because you didn't see the original." and keeps yelling at the crowd "Stop clapping you morons" I just wan't to kick that person in the balls. I give a big fuck you to that person who was doing that, and pray to God that I don't find you at Return of the Jedi, you geek, I'm gonna kick your ass! By the way the movie was good.
Star Wars: Special Edition
Director: George Lucas
Actors: Mark Hammill, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford
WatchNot a bad turn out for a twenty year old movie. This was great, even though the extra four minutes really didn't make that big a difference it was still cool to see it on the big screen. Han Solo's scene with Jabba the Hutt in this movie was pretty cool. Overall this movie was just rad and definitely worth stealing your parent's credit card and calling moviefone for tickets. I highly recommend it.
Absolute Garbage. This movie sucks. I mean it really blew! Clint Eastwood is cool and all but I mean at a certain point, like say when you're about 70, you don't go around being a theif, or trying to be a hard ass. Clint Eastwood was alot better in all the Spaghetti Westerns he did. Nice try though.
B-Horror all the way! Watch out for Klowns that have guns that turn people into cotton candy and make freaky noises. The person who wrote this script must have been smoking crack, or have been a heavy acidhead!