It's a Slippery Slope With the Royal Family, Literally

An exciting and flawless way to breathe new life into England!

9/10/2022 - Dan

The other day, our colleague and friend, beloved writer Nate Dog wrote some pretty fucked up shit about the royal family, an institution which he deems unnecessary and outdated. Timed with the Queen's passing, the article may read to some as a tactless and deranged foray against England's royal family that segues into night terrors and demonic forces, known as Jinn; then ties it all together with simulation theory and virtual reality headsets, sex toys.

Even though I agree with everything he said, the problem with the royal family isn't just that it references historical nepotism and undeserved inherited power, but actually celebrates it – instead of pretending it doesn't exist, like everywhere else in the world. That just feels discourteous. No less, many people defend the antiquated and merely symbolic royal family as a necessary monetary tourist attraction. Obviously they're being defensive, unreasonable and simply want to cling to some sort of pretentious national identity: one where they secretly think their King or Queen is emperor of the world, all the while taking twisted credit for creating America yet telling us our monarch-less country sucks. Even though we haven't had a monarch since King Elvis, we still limp along somewhat, so basically fuck off.

It's important to emphasize that an elderly person passing is not funny. The “Queen' is still a person. This isn't some morbid agenda to seize opportunity and present my soon to be revealed, novel idea in the wake of a death and a significantly less charismatic, doofus offspring (instead of someone awesome, like King Ralph played by John Goodman in the iconic 1991 film that involves him going to burger king for a whopper after being coronated, like a complete champ) taking the iron throne.

Here is the plan:

The royal family gets replaced by a giant water slide. This thing has got to be ginormous, preferably the largest man made structure currently standing and it should be incredibly unsafe, fun and expensive. Not only are water slides great and time-tested, but building the world's largest water slide would become a profitable, tourist-trap attraction across the globe. What's more is it will not only bring in outside tourism but locals can enjoy it as well, as opposed to walking past Buckingham palace yet again which can only be exciting for so long.

When you see a map of the world, you will see the geographical misrepresentations corrected, and flipped upside down, because why not, and on that map sits a picture of that water slide right smack in the middle of the country with an arrow pointed at it saying “Awesome!” in red letters.

In order to build this water slide, a civil engineer would be necessary to make sure that the water's pumping system circulated enough water so people's asses wouldn't get sheered right off from the friction of plummeting down a couple miles on a slide. The back up pump stamens and the main water filtration system would help filter out all the massive shit since the slide will syphon water from Buckingham palace's water lines, including septic leach pipes, for efficiency since roughly 20,000 gallons of water will be necessary to ensure that the hump before the landing strip can accommodate differing body mass indexes. Massive solar panels would be installed around the perimeter and fed to various battery backups to ensure that the pump was getting enough power. Given that the upwards height of the slide is going to be a minimum of 2 miles, you're going to want a landing strip to compensate for the steep 50 degree drop which should be approximately 4-5 miles long.

Naturally the cylinders supporting the slide would have to be in place along with steel girders to distribute the stress of weight across the actual slide's fiberglass composite.

Anyways, yup.